Dating: It's a minefield. Men and women are attracted to each other, yet they often understand each other so poorly.
When women talk about their past experiences with men, they are often mystified that things didn't work out. But when men are polled, they often cite the same factors over and over again as being detrimental to the relationship.
Here are some of the turnoffs they mention most often.
1. Trying too hard to please him.
It sounds counter-intuitive, but doing everything you can to cater to your man's every whim is NOT the way to make him happy.
Advice columnists are constantly reminding the women who write to them not to be doormats. Men like women they can respect.
That doesn't mean dominating him or being stubborn --that's a no-no, too -- but it means not bending over backwards to treat him like a king. It means when he asks if you could pick up his dry cleaning, and the cleaner's is all the way on the other side of town and you have errands to run elsewhere, you say, "Oh, no, honey, I'm sorry! I'll be on the other side of town all day!"
Women with backbones are attractive. Men like being pampered sometimes, too, of course, and obviously there are times when going the extra mile to be especially doting can be beneficial. But in day-to-day life, don't become his slave or servant.
Be generous and affectionate; just don't slobber all over him in your attempt to make him happy. You have to be your own person. If you become HIS person, he'll get bored with you and stop respecting you as a human being.
2. Talking about ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends.
Men are already well aware of the fact that they have competition. They know there are 2.5 billion other men in the world and that you could dump your current flame and pick somebody else at a moment's notice. They don't need to be reminded of that fact by hearing constantly about your past romances.
Some background information is fine, of course. Men do like to know your situation, particularly if you were ever married. But going on and on about it can do little good.
If you speak overly fondly about your ex, your current partner will wonder why you didn't just stay with him -- or, worse, think you're planning to get back with the ex and are just using him as a placeholder. If you speak negatively of your ex, it will make your new lover paranoid. "Do I do these things?" he'll ask himself. "Is she racking up a list of my offenses now so she can tell her next boyfriend about them?"
Men aren't generally big on reminiscing anyway. Men's minds are wired toward practicality and problem-solving, not taking strolls down memory lane. In other words, to put it bluntly, your past relationships are boring to him. Not only does it involve the past, it's not even HIS past.
3. Acting too businesslike or too slutty.
Here's where it gets complicated. Surveys of men show they don't like it when a woman dresses too businesslike or "manly." It makes them feel emasculated. They want women to be feminine and ladylike. But at the same time, if you dress TOO feminine and show too much skin, they think you're cheap and won't respect you.
When first meeting a man, choose outfits that are complimentary to your body -- you want to look good, of course -- without being too extreme in one direction or the other. Keep it simple, casual, and pretty. Don't dress like you're going to the office, and don't dress like you're going to a strip club.
4. Pressuring him to talk about his feelings or "define the relationship."
Women like to have their relationships clearly defined, analyzed, and labeled. Are we "dating"? Is he my "boyfriend"? Are we just "seeing each other"? Men, on the other hand, like to know where they stand, too -- they just don't like talking about it. At least not with you.
Men talk to their male friends about dating. They'll explain the facts to their friends and get input from them about what your status is. Why not go right to the source -- i.e., you -- to find out? Because men resist emotionally charged situations and are especially afraid of being wrong. If the man thinks you're his "girlfriend" when you only consider yourselves to be "dating," he'll be crushed to find out he's overstated his position.
Pressuring your partner to talk about emotional things, particularly your relationships, will make him clam up. Save those talks for when it's vital to the health of the relationship, not just when you're feeling insecure and want some reassurance. In those times, follow his example and talk to your friends about it. They may have more insight into his feelings than he does anyway!
5. Trying to change him.
It doesn't work. You can't change anyone. But that doesn't stop countless women from trying it all the time. The man's reasoning is this: She fell for me because she likes me. But if she likes me, why is she trying to change me into something else?! And he has a good point. Some men are stubborn creatures sometimes, and no one, male or female, likes being forced to make changes. Let him be who he is. If who he is isn't good enough for you, find a man who is.
It's not possible to do everything perfectly in a relationship. But there are things you can do to make things run more smoothly and to avoid shooting yourself in the foot. Good luck, and happy hunting!
